


Why Peter Benjamin Parker was Grounded for Life

by TooManyFandomstoCount



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Fantastic Four (Comicverse), Marvel, Marvel 616, Marvel Ultimate Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Drunken tattoos, F/M, Foursome, Healed Deadpool, M/M, Multi, My OC is based on the saints in Behaving Badly, Protective Johnny, Protective Wade, Rich Peter Parker, Self-cest, Underage Drinking, Voyeurism, drunk people being stupid, lightweight Peter Parker, she is not very significant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 12:24:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9607505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooManyFandomstoCount/pseuds/TooManyFandomstoCount
Summary: Basically Peter and Wade get drunk on the way to investigating a mysterious portal. When they get there, they see ultimates comic verse Peter and take him partying. Johnny Storm shows up too. I am too good at awful crack fics.





	

Peter Parker was buzzed. Okay, a little more drunk than that. He was wasted. More wasted than Tony Stark after a meeting with his board of directors.

And he was cozy in his bed, snuggling into the sheets and the warm body next to him. Wait, warm body?

He cracked an eye open and immediately squinted it shut at the onslaught of pain and brightness.

Taking care not to add any more sound to his pounding head, he felt the body next to him, hands moving haphazardly in the darkness.

Suddenly he felt something between his ass cheeks that seemed to grow.

“Oh hell no!” he called out and opened his eyes fully, immediately regretting his decision.

What he saw was a huge mess, and there wasn’t just one body on his bed: there were 3. And one of them looked just like him!

His lookalike opened one sleepy eye and smiled contently. “Mornin’,” he called out in a creepily familiar voice.

“Why is everyone screaming?” Johny Storm said from the foot of the bed. He opened his eyes and his face went green. “Oh god!” he ran to Peter’s small bathroom and emptied his guts.

Peter could still feel Wade’s boner on his ass. “Waaaaade?” he asked in a sickly calm voice. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

Wade Wilson, the psycho sometimes-hero Deadpool snuggled into Peter’s shoulder. “Isn’t it obvious? You, Baby Boy,” he muttered sleepily. His hair was blond and his skin milky and pure.

“Ummm I think you should go look in the mirror,” Peter said softly.

“No! Comfy!” came the childish protests.

Peter forced Wade’s arm off him and shoved him away. “Someone needs to explain what happened last night before I remember and consequently ratify my no-killing policy,” he threatened, pinching the bridge of his nose. Wade finally tumbled/was kicked off the bed and he bounced up.

“Motherfucker did we drink. Ho ho ho that was one fuuuuuuuuun night. Hay li’l Pete.”

‘Li’l Pete’, the enigmatic doppelganger waved shyly.

“That’s it! Everyone in here, now! Shut up and take the garbage can with you, Johny!” Peter screamed.

Everyone flinched and covered their ears.

“So loud,” Johny whimpered.

“Okay, I have a few questions for you all. 1: what happened last night? 2: Why is there a doppelganger of me? 3: Why are we all naked? And I may not be able to handle the truth for that last one.”

“I can answer some of those,” his own sheepish voice responded. Everyone looked at him as he sat on the bed, looking anywhere but Peter’s direction. “I was on a routine patrol. MJ and Gwen 4.0 were at home with May, Johny, and Bobby when I got a weird message on my phone. I investigated the origin and came to a kind of laboratory? Anyway, as soon as I got there, a wormhole opened up and a hand dragged me through. And I saw myself but older and a little more annoying.” Peter scowled and Wade nodded sagely.

“Must be the stench of money,” he sneered. ‘Li’l Pete’ cracked a grin and continued.

“Well he-me-future me from an alternate dimension, that is you drunkenly invited me to party. So I said ‘okay, but I’m only 18’ and he said ‘I’m rich, bitches. They respect the money more than the rules.’ And we partied.”

_Last night_

_“C’mon sexy jailbait me, let’s dance!” Peter screamed over the music._

_“I wanna turn,” Wade whined. But the party was in full swing and he got lost in the crowd._

_Li’l Pete was dancing drunkenly. He suddenly kneeled on the ground and yelled at the top of his lungs “QUEEEEEENS!” and then made some sounds a baby seal might make in response to clubbing._

_A few big burly guys with beards and burly leather jackets stepped in. “Lookit the li’l drunk kid from Queens,” one slurred. “Tony, Tony look.”_

_Tony wasn’t looking, or rather he was looking so intently that he didn’t notice his companion’s words._

_“Hey I’m Steve,” the talker drunkenly introduced himself. “And Mr. Staring at your ass over here is Tony. We’re bouncers, but this is our night off.”_

_Kid Spider’s eyes widened. He brought a finger to his lips. “Shhhhh. Don’t tell them I’m 18.”_

_Steve laughed and Tony suddenly grinned. “Okay but you have to promise us an epic night,” he said, sounding suspiciously sober._

_“Pinky swear,” Li’l Spidey said earnestly and stuck out his thumb. “That makes it binding,” he stage-whispered._

_Suddenly a familiar blond man was dragging Peter to his younger self. His younger self, upon seeing Johny started breaking out into song. “Somebody call 9-1-1: Shawty fire burning on the dance floor whoawhoa.” Except his version must have been more screamo than pop because everyone in the bar heard it._

_Peter grinned. “So light it up, up, up. Light it up, up, up. Light it up, up, up on fire!” he added._

_Johny scowled at the two, and after shooing the creepy men away he grabbed some drinks. Five minutes later he was drunk and started to sing too. “The eensy weensy spider went up the water spout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Up came the sun and dried up all the rain and the eensy weensy spider went up the spout again.” He poured water on his two spiders to add dimension to his song, using the centerpiece flower vase as a source._

_They both sputtered and wore identical pouts. Li’l Pete sighed exasperatedly._

_“You’re telling_ everyone _, gosh!” he condemned._

_“Yeah you gotta keep it a sh-se-shecret,” Peter giggled._

_“I found him again Tony!” The ever annoying stalker of the night fumbled over.“Yo Tony there’s two!” he exclaimed in shock._

_“This is my li’l brother Pete. I’m repeat ahahahahaha,” Peter cracked up, seeming to recall a funny joke._

_“We’re very close,” he added sincerely, putting an arm around his ‘brother’._

_“Twins Tony, twins! They’ll bring us good luck.” Steve insisted. “Wanna threesome?” he asked._

_Johny shoved the man away. The man shoved back. Soon there was an all-out tussle on the floor. And this is how Wade found his two Peters, watching the chaos reverently._

_“I knew they were spiders after my own heart,” he said dreamily._

_But Wade knew he had to rectify the situation. So he turned off his image inducer and everyone screamed at his scary skin. Then he used some tech he_ might _have stolen from Mysterio to make himself look like a devil. Steve and Tony from Brooklyn peed their pants._

_He walked over to Pete, ‘li’l Pete’, and Johny Storm. “Let’s make it a foursome,” he said, trying (and miserably failing) to put his arms around all the boys._

_They all went home in a limo (who ever said Deadpool doesn’t have style?) and the two Peters started drunkenly kissing._

_Johny was watching them fascinatedly, and the newspaper on his lap seemed to rise a few feet._

_“Hey we should get li’l Pete a tattoo!” Deadpool exclaimed suddenly. He pushed the remote to lower the divide between them and the limo driver. “To Dan’s Tattoo Parlor, at once!”_

_“Okay, but I can’t keep this stolen limo for too long,” came the blandly hilarious response of Weasel. “I also have to get back to the bar. You guys look like you’ve had a few too many blow jobs which reminds me I blew off work.”_

_Weasel pushed up the divide._

_Johny was extremely red faced at the mention of blow jobs. Eventually his newspaper tented around his boner. The Peters were still making out drunkenly, and big Pete’s shirt was off._

_Wade grinned at his boys. “I say we each choose each other’s tattoos. I call Li’l Pete!”_

_The Peters separated. “Johny!” Peter called out._

_Johny glared at Deadpool. “You,” he said with as much malice in his voice as possible._

_DP’s eyes widened comically. “What did I do? If not for me, li’l Pete would be back in his boring world with a bunch of hot chicks. You’re welcome for this chance!”_

_The younger Spider-man grinned. “You, big brother,” he said, and they went back to kissing._

_Suddenly a drunk woman appeared in their car. She was wearing a party dress and her eyes were unfocused._

_“Hey boys!” she said. “I’m the patron saint of partying woot woot!”_

_Deadpool reached for his swords but they weren’t there. He was suddenly wearing a rumpled suit and his skin was on display._

_“I’m gonna hurl,” the ‘patron saint of partying’ said. She held up a finger and swallowed. “Nope, we’re good. Well cancer isn’t_ _good for orgies.” She touched Deadpool and his skin was normal._

_“Oh my god what did you do? Why is there a plot device to make me look normal?” he called out._

_“Well I took away all the cancerous cells and stuff. Like you’re welcome.”_

_“But my healing factor!” he panicked, trying to cut himself with a knife. It healed instantly. “Ha! No way I’m getting a tattoo now!”_

_She looked at him thoughtfully. “I can give the tattoos for free and they’ll be magical so only you see ‘em and DP gets one too!”_

_Everyone cheered._

_“Li’l Pete gets a Deadpool symbol on his left butt cheek.” He said. “And it says ‘property of Deadpool’”_

_Suddenly the patron saint of partying (PSOP) had Peter over her lap with his pants down. “Smooth,” she commented, running her hands on the glorious ass. He blushed. She made the tattoo with a machine that appeared out of nowhere._

_“Okay, Peter’s turn,” he said. Peter got a tattoo on his bicep that said ‘with great power comes great responsibility-ben parker’. His younger self cried a bit when he saw it._

_Next was Johny. “Give him a flaming 4 on his arm!” Big Pete said._

_Johnny’s shirt was gone in an instant and she worked on him._

_Johny whispered to PSOP. She cackled._

_She tattooed Wade. On one arm it said ‘no regerts’ and on the other ‘it’s get better’._

_“Now I will leave you to your foursome,” she said. “And make you forget the tattoos which aren't magical but totally real. Bye party people!” She snapped and they were all naked in Peter’s room._

“So last thing I remember, we were in a limo and I was uh kissing you.” He said to his older self.

“We must have blacked out. Okay, everyone get dressed and we’ll send Peter home and never speak of this again.”

They got Peter home and lived happily ever after.

Just kidding, no they didn’t.

Johnny Storm tried cloning himself and ended up with a crazed fire monster that destroyed half of New York City. When Reed and Sue asked what the hell he was thinking, he blushed and ran to his room.

 

Peter came out with Deadpool/Wade and was finally happy he didn’t have girls fighting over him. (he was actually bi but he’d never tell!)

Wade lost his cancer and would have been happy, but his healing factor kept two of the worst tattoos ever thought of alive, and everyone laughed at him. He even tried cutting his arms off and taking a bath in acid but nothing worked.

 

Li’l Pete happily carried the secret of his drunken exploits, but one morning he was woken up with a shrill shriek.

“Peter Benjamin Parker! Why do you have a tattoo that says ‘property of Deadpool’ on your ass?! You are grounded for life!”

 

Poor Weasel was stuck in the limo. “Guys?” he asked. He pushed the divide down and found it empty. Even worse was the sound of police sirens in the distance.

He groaned and suddenly a drunk girl appeared next to him.

“I’m not done with you,” she said. “I have a special spot for designated drivers, and you’re gonna find it.” She winked with both eyes and zapped them away.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know...


End file.
